Balancing Act #191: July 2015



A free monthly newsletter about balancing life, work, and relationships based on the books and popular workshops conducted by Alan Weiss, Ph.D. Past copies are archived on our web site:

Copyright 2015 Alan Weiss. All rights reserved.

ISSN 1934-3116


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Balancing act is in four sections this month:

1. Techniques for balance

2. Musings

3. The human condition: Retrieval



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1. Techniques for balance

• Passionate people try to influence, but zealots try to convert.

• A form of "bullying" that no one talks about very much is the onslaught of legal cases for every perceived or fabricated sleight.

• Why is it that people try to repair tires, which is dangerous, and not repair relationships, which is dangerous.

• A lot of people liked to talk about the conspiracy of the federal government "invading" Texas, but not one of them likes to talk about the fact that it was ludicrous when it didn't occur.

• You should be having a conversation with a prospect or interviewer, not a dual. Lay down your weapons.

• I was waiting for my limo at 7:30 am in the lobby of the Marleybone Hotel in London and, without being asked, a bellman brought me tea and croissants. That's how you get me to return. When front-line people have that kind of initiative, that's the place I want to be.

• Outrageous descriptions are droll on a menu (droissienne of fulbard, with nascent crustaceans a la ponte neuf), but I really need to know what the heck it is I'm ordering.

• With very rare exception, exotic cars should be leased, not purchased. And they can't be written-off as a business expense (in the U.S.) without red lights flashing and sirens sounding in the IRS.

• If you want a less stressed day, consider turning off both Siri and the spell checker on your iPhone.

• I find that when I start when I said I would, even if everyone isn't yet present, at the next starting time they are present. Don't enable latecomers, nor those running to the rest rooms or for coffee at your starting time. Move on.

2. Musings

Why is it that we have to make everything so complicated?

My new, high-tech water cooler has a digital clock in the front. You have to bend over where the tap is to see it, but why would I want to know the time when I'm getting a drink of water, and why would I go to a water cooler to find out what time it is?

Every hotel television now requires that you make seven choices before you can, well, simply watch TV. The thermostats require an engineering degree. What happened to "on, off, temperature"? The room keys open the door, the mini-bar, the elevator floor, the health club, the pool entrance—and also demagnetize if they're near a credit card, which of course none of us ever carry.

I received an instructional video with my swimming pool robot. To apply what I've learned, I have to keep running out to the pool and back, 50 yards away. The owner's manual for my car resembles the three-month countdown for a manned Mars mission. My watch is, apparently, able to do things that no one would ever want done. I've never found the phases of the moon or the time in Dakar to be useful during my average day.

There are a dozen different skin and hair treatments that stylists recommend, not as alternatives, but as complementary. I'd have to pack a second bag to check through to my destination for all my accoutrements. All of my TVs can record and play back on all the other TVs, both Cox Cable and DirecTV, and can be programmed from my iPad anywhere in the world. Except when they can't.

To program my garage door I have to get a ladder, open the motor unit, press a button, race back to my car, hold down two buttons, watch for the correct number of flashes….you get the idea. I'm asked with an order of a gin and tonic six questions: type of gin; type of tonic; type or garnish; type of glass; on the rocks or up; shaken or stirred? I could have a glass of wine while I struggle through the choices.

To play fetch, I throw something—anything—and Bentley runs after it and returns it. When he's through, he simply doesn't come back. See below.

2. The human condition: Retrieval

I've learned that playing fetch requires two performers: the fetcher, hereafter called "Bentley," and the person throwing the fetchable entity (FE), hereafter called "Alan."

Alan notifies Bentley that they will be playing fetch when he brings one of Bentley's Frisbees outside. He notifies Bentley that they are done when he carries it back inside.

Bentley notifies Alan that they will be playing fetch when he finds one of the large sticks or other FE he's collected and drops it on Alan's feet. He notifies Alan when he's done by refusing the return the FE.

We tend to take too much for granted. We don't inform others of what our true intent or desires are. (This applies very much in relationships.) There is no FE to automatically cue the other. We need to make our intent clearer.

There is also a difficulty terminating activities, especially when pleasurable. We wind up getting hurt by playing the game past our tolerance point, or add too much stress pursuing goals already attained. We are reluctant to say, "Enough," to friends and family. We don't walk out on a bad play, don't return a bad meal, don't terminate a bad relationship.

It may sound overly simple, but I'd suggest that you find ways to effectively and obviously inform others of your intent, and have the intestinal fortitude and discipline to stop when you've had enough. If a dog can communicate all that, so can you.

In other words, when you've had enough, just don't bring the Frisbee back.



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▪ Comfort with your position and no need to “beat” another’s position.

▪ Original views and actions, not derivative ones (“He flies first class!”).

▪ Positive self-talk (“It’s time to do this,” not “What will people think?”).

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▪ Not constantly seeking “deals” and deferred payments.

▪ Ignoring credit card cycles and interest.

▪ Helping yourself in order to better help others.

▪ NOT doing things that don’t suit you even if others do them.

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• The understanding and acceptance of success.


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I was staying in an enormous suite in a London hotel, and the light switches in England always confound me. They have to be pushed in the "opposite" direction, or the outlet has to be activated with a separate switch, or they're on timers. I thought I would take an afternoon nap to overcome some jet lag, pulled all the drapes, and managed to get all the lights out except for one massive overhead fixture in the bathroom.

I tried every combination of lights in the adjacent rooms and in the bathroom, and in every possible configuration. I finally called reception.

"Which light is troubling you, sir?"

"The great big one, exactly in the middle of the ceiling."

"Ah, you mean the skylight, sir?"


Don't follow the advice of anyone who hasn't actually done what you seek to do. With the best of intentions, they are inferior sources, and with the worst of intentions they are con artists.


© Alan Weiss 2015