Things I’m Stubborn About

• I like the kinesthetic feel of a newspaper, folded and held, to read the news of the day (or what passes for news). I don’t like scrabbling over a mobile device like a water bug.
• Similarly, I want to hold a big, heavy, profound wine list and have a cocktail while I take my time wading through white burgundies and California blends. Using an iPad seems, well, silly.
• I expect people to say, “Thank you,” for a courtesy, but I try not to get upset if they don’t, maybe I didn’t hear it or they’re preoccupied. But “no problem” is NOT a substitute for “You’re welcome.”
• I refuse to call a cigar a “stick.” A stick is something Bentley turns up with which to play fetch.
• I’ve given up on the breathless, fear-inciting, terror-invoking evening news anchors on all the major networks. If someone walked on water across a river their story would be about adults who never learned to swim and the dangers therein.
• An airline seat is designed to recline. A passenger has a right to recline it. If you can’t accept that, then take the train.
• When you ask for “a minute of my time” and I agree, I’ll stop you after a minute. If you ask to reserve an hour of my time I’ll assure you it’s not necessary I can help you much more quickly.
• You don’t deserve a justification or excuse if I say “No” or simply decline to do something.
• If you’re a stranger and open a conversation by calling me “Alan” as if we’re long-time buddies, you’re probably not going to achieve whatever it is you’re seeking.
• I empathize with your pain. But suffering is voluntary.

Guilting

“To guilt” was never an infinitive verb when I was in school. But today, we are “guilted” by others and/or we “guilt” others.

My definition: We try to influence behavior and force compliance by shaming people publicly and threatening “exposure” and derision by groups. How serious is this? Well, individuals have been tried and convicted of encouraging actual suicides through such shaming. And for years people have taken their own lives when they’ve felt a sense of guilt they cannot overcome or compensate for, but that has been an independent decision, not one encouraged by others.

You can be deemed “guilty” today for believing in the wrong cause, despite varied evidence and ample room for doubt. Guilt attaches to inadvertently using a pronoun deemed insulting (no matter how ungrammatical or vague in its use). The candidate for whom you vote can create guilt from others, as can your attitude toward immigration or climate or abortion. These are no longer issues of healthy debate and attempts at compromise or resolution. They are issues of guilt or innocence in the court or moral superiority.

When I began my career at Prudential insurance 50 years ago, management would say to us individually, “You’re the only one preventing us from 100% participation in the blood drive and you don’t want to be viewed that way by your co-workers.” Of course, they told the same thing to all of us. It was manipulation through guilt.

To be guilty means you’re culpable and responsible for some wrongdoing, ethically and/or legally. And if it’s accurate, we have to serve our time or pay our fine or make our apologies or somehow confess and atone. That’s a call for society to make, not special interest groups or individuals trying to manipulate us.

But I’m not leading a life influenced by guilt flung by others who corrosively believe “if you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

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