Sir, No Sir!
I’m conducting the Workshop Workshop™ at the Hyatt Regency on Goat Island in Newport. There are a thousand Navy and Marine officers here attending meetings that would normally be held at the Naval War College a mile away, but their big conference center is undergoing renovations.
The place is dripping in brass, bling, and braid, but the officers are polite, if somewhat removed. They seem to tolerate civilians, but are not exceptionally cordial. The treat the hotel staff, in my observation, as if they aren’t even there. There is more than a whiff of arrogance in the air.
During the morning, I find a Marine colonel helping himself to our refreshment station, since it wasn’t crowded, intended to serve only the 11 of us. I pointed out that this wasn’t the food station for his group, and he immediately became hostile. (I had experienced this with a Navy captain slightly earlier, who gave me a dirty look, almost a sneer, and moved on.) The colonel barked, “What difference does it make where I eat?!”
I told him that, first, as his colleagues seemed to be following him, there wouldn’t be enough for my small group and, second, I was paying for this, not the government.
He flew into a rage, grabbed his coffee, and as I began laughing with the hotel person nearby, he raced back, pulled out his wallet, and screamed, “How much is your coffee??!! How much??!! I’ll pay for it!!”
I had, by this time, had it with his assumption we were inferior beings. People were staring. “It’s $400,” I said calmly. “You want to showboat, colonel, you want to be a big deal? It’s $400.” He threw a few dollar bills on the table an spun around shouting, “We’re all Americans here!”
Oh, I had missed that. Perhaps I should have offered him my car in that case?
I admire people who sign up to defend this country, and I’m eternally appreciative of those who put themselves in harm’s way for the rest of us. But I’m repelled by people who aren’t accustomed to anyone with less brass on their shoulder questioning them, who feel that their rank includes dominance over civilians, and who mistake rudeness for a command presence.
You can’t be intimidated in the consulting business. Not by buyers with lavish offices, not by board members asking tough questions, not by unions opposing changes. I wasn’t about to be intimidated by a guy who felt he could call his own shots no matter where he was.
The colonel was welcome to my coffee and refreshments, if he had made a mistake, but he’s not welcome to treat people without dignity and with the attitude that an eagle on his shoulder makes him superior as a human being. If he can’t admit to a simple mistake in a coffee line, and flies into a rage when shown his error, what is he like when he leads people into battle? What are the repercussions of his poor judgment then?
© Alan Weiss 2009. All rights reserved.
Jim Bradford
Alan, it is amazing how courtesy is eroding. Here is yet another opportunity to excel. We’ve reached a point where people with good manners really stand out in the crowd! The challenge is to be gracious even when we have had too little sleep and lots of travel frustration. In my opinion it’s a matter of discipline and pride in the way we treat other people. …Jim
John Smith
I think the colonel isn’t the only one who’s arrogant here.
What was the point of turning a coffee conflict into a business lesson?
Alan Weiss
My point is that the officer believed that civilians virtually weren’t there and were of no import, and that all of us should stand our ground in the face of attempts to bully.
I hardly think that pointing out to someone that what they’re doing is both depriving my group and costing me money is arrogant. I also think his reaction was pretty frightening given his profession.
Ed Poll
Alan, another point (from my perspective) to this story is the importance of self-esteem. If you have it, you can stand your ground when challenged. And, it is particularly important to stand one’s ground when confronted as you were … as we all are in many different contexts.
Another context is the relationship business … when a marital partner views him/herself as a victim, the entire family collapses into disarray. When both are peers, feel their own self-esteem, there is generally harmony and joy. I’ve seen this in many of the cases earlier in my career.
And your examples continue to emphasize the importance of this lesson for me in one context after another. Thank you.
Alan Weiss
Good points, Ed. You have to judge what’s right and wrong, and not who you are vs. someone else.
Alan Allard
In terms of behavior, it seems the colonels self-esteem lagged far behind the rank bestowed upon him.
When we make a mistake, self-esteem allows us to forgive self and appreciate the one who offers us the opportunity to adjust our perspective and behavior.
Alan Weiss
Yes, and I believe the phrase is “officer AND a gentleman.”