Olympic Zen

Olympic Zen

I have three new books I’m writing; four new global initiatives; trips to New York, Florida, and Bora Bora to coordinate; and six new restaurants I want to try. However, I’m distracted by a nagging concern.

Is ice skating a sport?

Can there be any activity classified as a sport where men wear feathers and women wear, well, as little as possible? Pole dancing isn’t a sport, though the Times had an article this past Sunday that there’s a movement in that direction. I would assume that’s from yoga classes and not Bert’s Gentlemen’s Clubs, Inc.

I realize that there’s a great deal of athleticism in skating, what with spins and leaps, although most of it is invisible, except to hummingbirds. Is it really a sport if it takes slow-motion replay to appreciate it? (Was that a triple, quad, or dodecagon?) Then I realized that hockey is a sport, and if you’re seriously dealing with a beer during the game you can easily miss a goal, and it’s more than likely to be the only goal. Which probably explains the interest in curling, during which you could read War and Peace and never miss any action. But can an activity with brooms be a sport? Well, cricket players wear sweaters. But, I digress.

I’ve been on the board of a ballet, and watching the dancers I realize that they are far better conditioned than any athletes, and they also jump and leap. But no one considers dance a sport. We’re not about to see the Royal Ballet competing in London in 2012.

Hold on, there’s ice dancing. That’s a sport. But again, we’re talking costumes and music. And all that sultry stuff, with tangos, and embraces, and meaningful eye batting. We’re almost back to Bert’s clubs.

Yet you can’t ignore all those jumps and leaps. What compares to ice skating that is unarguably a sport? Gymnastics resembles it, and that’s clearly a sport. Yet you don’t see fancy outfits with fur and feathers on gymnasts, although gymnasts’ attire is very skimpy, but that’s okay because everyone is 12 years old, lying about being 14. Yet gymnasts don’t work in pairs and the teams are people on different apparatuses. Who does things as pairs in athletics, akin to ice skating pairs?

Synchronized swimming! There’s a sport that involves people acting in concert, doing the same thing concurrently. No, wait: That’s been disqualified as an Olympic sport. That won’t do.

I guess one could judge by the fitness of the participants. In that case, I’d be inclined to keep ice skating as a sport, except for all that crying, win or lose. Grown men weeping like babies. Coaches crying. What’s that all about? And the flowers tossed all over. Can you imagine throwing flowers to a wrestler or basketball player? You’d be the one crying.

And if we went by fitness, well, then clearly golf and bowling are not sports. Although bowlers at least drink beer like people watching hockey, which I know is a sport. Except when it’s a fight.

© Alan Weiss 2010. All rights reserved.