Restaurant Rhetoric

Restaurant Rhetoric

Some lighter fare for today:

Have you noticed the idiotic phrases entering the restaurant business over the past couple of years? It’s as if they’ve all been exposed to bad fish.

“Are you still enjoying your meal?” staring at an empty plate. What do you mea— am I digesting it well? Get the plate off the table. And by the way, you clear at one time, not as each person finishes.

“It will be grilled to your liking.” Really? Not to someone else’s liking? When you head to the kitchen, will you be doing a walking?

“We then drizzle the chicken with Albanian cumin mixed with year-old fenugreek.” You mean the chef is sprinkling this with his fingers, correct? How would you drizzle in the kitchen? Can you do some sleet?

“The sirloin is completed with smothered onions.” Who’s back there killing onions? Should I be calling the authorities?

“Would you please remind me whether you wanted truffle fries or regular?” Maybe if you wrote things down instead of trying to memorize four meals and run over to input it on the computer trying to impress me, which I’m not, we wouldn’t have to repeat the conversation.

“Would you care to taste the wine?” Can I just listen to it for a while?

“We have a “pree fee” (prix fixe) menu this evening.” I believe you mean “pree fix” if you’re trying to speak French. Wait, do you also say “consee-air” instead of “consee-urje”?

“Will you care for tap, sparkling, or flat water?” “You mean ‘still’ water?” “No, flat.”

“Our special tonight is lobster bisque.” “You have lobster bisque every night.” “It is our special every night.”

“Shall I take your silverware or would you prefer to keep it?” Unless “keep it” means “take it home,” bring me new silverware for the next course, or do you want me to use someone’s old napkin, as well?