The Best of Alan

The Best of Alan

From my ad lib collection:

Irate woman arguing with me over a book that hadn’t yet arrived:

“You know, you remind me of my ex-husband.”

Me:

“Why am I not surprised you have an ex-husband?”

 

Man introduced to me by someone mentioning all of the books I’ve written:

“I never heard of any of your books.”

Me:

“Does that say more about me or about you?”

 

Man who wrote me that he found seven typos in one of my books:

“It’s very sloppy and I found it distracting.”

Me:

“Odd, because there are actually 12 typos.”

 

Inevitable “speaking coach” in Birmingham, UK, informing me that when I moved around on stage he couldn’t focus on my points, but when I stood still he could:

“Do you know what they call that?”

Me:

“Yes, a learning disability.”

 

Man in the audience in Sydney, Australia, shouting out suddenly:

“If you didn’t have a wife, you’d have no material!”

Me:

“Sure I would, I’d talk about rude Australians who shout irrelevancies whenever they feel like it.”

 

Server who described a steak being prepared:

“And tonight we’re accompanying it with smothered onions.”

Me:

“Is it painful for the onions?””

 

A woman on the phone asking me about a meeting:

“When does the 9 am meeting begin?”

Me:

“Eponymously.”

 

And the tipping point:

 

My ordering a cheeseburger in the wilds of the UK:

“What kind of cheese comes with the burger?”

Server:

“Why, melted, sir.”