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The Best of Alan

The Best of Alan

From my ad lib collection:

Irate woman arguing with me over a book that hadn’t yet arrived:

“You know, you remind me of my ex-husband.”


“Why am I not surprised you have an ex-husband?”


Man introduced to me by someone mentioning all of the books I’ve written:

“I never heard of any of your books.”


“Does that say more about me or about you?”


Man who wrote me that he found seven typos in one of my books:

“It’s very sloppy and I found it distracting.”


“Odd, because there are actually 12 typos.”


Inevitable “speaking coach” in Birmingham, UK, informing me that when I moved around on stage he couldn’t focus on my points, but when I stood still he could:

“Do you know what they call that?”


“Yes, a learning disability.”


Man in the audience in Sydney, Australia, shouting out suddenly:

“If you didn’t have a wife, you’d have no material!”


“Sure I would, I’d talk about rude Australians who shout irrelevancies whenever they feel like it.”


Server who described a steak being prepared:

“And tonight we’re accompanying it with smothered onions.”


“Is it painful for the onions?””


A woman on the phone asking me about a meeting:

“When does the 9 am meeting begin?”




And the tipping point:


My ordering a cheeseburger in the wilds of the UK:

“What kind of cheese comes with the burger?”


“Why, melted, sir.”

Written by

Alan Weiss is a consultant, speaker, and author of over 60 books. His consulting firm, Summit Consulting Group, Inc., has attracted clients from over 500 leading organizations around the world.

Comments: 1

  • René Vidal

    August 23, 2018

    Ha! Before Deepak, there was Alan Weiss: “Immune to criticism, beneath no one, fearless.”

    Who are these lunatics?

    Most people are jaded. Many are in the audience,

    I spoke to a group of teenage entrepreneurs recently and it was absolutely delightful. I was giddy and they were “innocent, inquisitive, and appreciative.”

    Adults? Not so much!

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