The Dog Star: An Interview
An Interview with Bentley
The scheduled interview by Entrepreneur Today with Alan Weiss was cancelled because he had a conflict, something about an emergency Macallan and cigar sampling. Filling in we have his companion animal, Bentley Supersports GTE of Crewe, his official American Kennel Club registered name.
ET: May we call you “Bentley”?
B: Of course, I only use my proper name for dinner reservations.
ET: Are you known in the household as a “companion animal” or “pet”?
B: I loathe “companion animal” with all the political correctness adhered to it. I’m actually known as “the dog,” or sometimes “the big dog.”
ET: You have a younger pack mate, Coco, correct?
B: Yes, she’s tolerable, but she steals my table scraps and fights over toys.
ET: How do you deal with that? Can you control your anger?
B: Yes, of course. I simply put her entire head in my mouth and it has a wonderfully tranquil effect.
ET: Are you happy that Alan is spending so much time at home these days?
B: If he shows up while you’re here, I suggest you call him “Dr. Weiss,” he’s not as casual as I am. But, yes, it’s great that the pack can be together all day, though he spends a large part of our time together staring at a monitor and talking to it.
ET: Are you technology literate yourself?
B: Of course, I run to the door to attack whoever is arriving when the bridge alarm sounds, and run to the proper door to attack anyone entering the house.
ET: Are you concerned that people can be terrorized by you, afraid they’ll be killed?
B: Dogs don’t kill people, bad dog owners kill people.
ET: Ah, you used “dog owners,” so do you believe this is not a relationship of peers?
B: You have to accommodate others’ feelings. Alan is convinced I’m a “good boy,” yet he keeps having to reaffirm it. He’s the master of rhetorical questions. We’re a pack.
ET: If you’re a back, who’s the alpha….
B: Sorry to interrupt, but don’t go there.
ET: Are you happy with your living conditions?
B: Well, free medical, a lot of recreation and entertainment, free food, free lodging, a comfortable truck to take us for coffee runs and biscuits, and free toys. We’re in Bernie Sanders territory here, I’d vote for him in a minute, but he’s to the right of us.
ET: Do you imagine this can continue indefinitely?
B: Hey, our ancestors wandered into human camps over 10,000 years ago and they haven’t been able to get rid of us since.
ET: You’re seven years old, so you’re really going on 50 in human years, right?
B: Well, you’re 35 human years and you’re asking me questions like a five-year-old.
ET: Is it comforting to know that all dogs go to heaven.
B: I’m already in heaven.
ET: What was that?
B: The garage door, I ignored the alerts, and he’s back home. I have to run over and get excited because I haven’t seen him for 45 minutes. You know the drill, right?
ET: Oh, right…. Hello, Dr. Weiss.
Alan: Who the hell are you?