Resolutions to Maintain My Sanity in 2023
• I am not arguing with people who claim they lost a book or a link or notes from years ago and want me to replace them for free. I’m simply sending a note back that all of my material self-erases in five years, they should have read the small print.
• I’m going over to every woman in my gym who interrupts my trainer while he’s spotting me to chat and accidentally drop a 45-pound weight close to her, explaining it’s actually one of my exercises.
• When someone tells me they are being “ghosted” or can’t make progress and then tells me they are NOT talking to a buyer, I’ll simply respond, “Then I’m not talking to you.”
• The next time an indifferent cashier asks me if I’d like to have a bag for the dozen items on the counter, I’ll reply, “No, the manager told me you’d carry them out to the car for me.”
• The next time someone tosses their coat over their chair at the theater so that the collar is resting on my knees, I’m going to put chewed candy under the collar. (All right, I’ve already done this.)
• I’m continuing to tell people who want to interview me (AKA, “doing them a favor”) that I won’t go to their automated scheduling page, won’t provide questions, and won’t agree to talk beforehand. If you want the favor, then you do it my way. (Ninety percent change their tune.)
• The next server who says, “I’m Harry and I’ll be taking care of you tonight,” I’ll ask, “Can you start with washing my car outside?”
• The next server in LA who says, “I’m actually writing a screenplay,” I’ll ask, “Can you bring it over before dessert, I’m a producer and I’ll read it tonight before I fly to Singapore?”