There are stupid questions, and I will now answer them:
• Q: Hotel front desk clerk, when the doorman takes my bags to the desk and says, “This is Dr. Weiss,” and she says, “Checking in?”
A: No, I’m walking my bags.
• Q: What else should I have asked you that I haven’t?
A: How the hell would I know? Do I look like The Great Kreskin?
• Q: Woman who brings me coffee only at breakfast: “Would you like cream or sugar?”
A: Yes, and why on earth didn’t you bring them with you, are they too heavy?
• Q: On an airplane with a talkative seatmate: “So, what do you do for a living?”
A: I’m a fund raiser, do you have time to hear about my work in Botswana and contribute to the tse tse fly preservation society?”
• Q: On Linkedin: “Can you give me some advice about starting my own business?”
A: Sure, if you pay me first.
• Q: How much does your car cost?
A: I don’t know, I never look at prices.
• Q: Do you have siblings?
A: No, my sister is an only child.
• Q: How much do you tip a bellman?
A: You tip him until he tells you to stop.
• Q: In a fine restaurant, is it proper to eat some food with your fingers?
A: Yes, if it’s a fine cannibal restaurant.
• Q: You and your wife met in high school! Were you high school sweethearts?
A: No, I won her in a poker game.
• Q: You were alive when Kennedy was assassinated?!
A: Yes, but trust me, it was not as moving as when we were keeping vigil for Lincoln.
• Q: Why are you so crazy about dogs?
A: Because not one of them has ever asked me a stupid question.
• Q: Do you enjoy driving the Rolls?
A: No, why would I?
• Q: Why do you wear a watch, I use my phone for the time?
A: Want to race and see who can find the time the fastest?
• Q: What will happen when you die?
A: Being Catholic, I’m hoping to go to heaven.
• Q: Do you think about death?
A: Mine or yours?